Once Upon a Time...

I have no idea where to begin. I plan on using this as a daily journal to get my thoughts and feelings out but I feel like I need to provide some backstory to some of the things going on in my life so there is a general understanding of what's happening.

So, quick overview I guess would be :

• October 30, 2018 - weight loss start date

• December 2018 - reconnected with Mr. S at my cousins wedding

  • I've known Mr. S forever. Our families know each other very well, and we've met a few times back "home" and so we messaged every now and then, hung out in the islands during a group hang up.

• April 2019 - quit my job

  • I was one of the top sales persons at my then job. I had a huge client bringing in $3M in sales each year. They were requesting some things that they required in order to continue working with us, and the owners were not willing to provide the necessary information. When the owners put their foot down, the client walked away - also taking away my commissions which would have been close to $120K. When I tried to explain to my bosses that it was not fair for them to mess with my money like that - they explained they didn't really care. In that moment I felt that I needed to leave and branch out on my own. I quit soon after the clients decided to leave and waited some time to open up my own company.

• May 2019 - started my own company

  • I was so excited to start my own company. I knew what I was doing and my client decided to follow me - having money to start with. I was SO excited when I chose to open up my own company.

• May 2019 - Visited Washington DC / Mr. S

  • I kept in touch with Mr. S after my cousins wedding and we were flirty and we would talk all the time. It only made sense to meet up again. I decided to go visit him Memorial Day weekend, and then he decided to book his ticket to come see me for 4th of July. It was fun. We spent the whole weekend together doing things, going to museums, drinking, doing crazy stuff. My friend S came with me and she asked him outright if he liked me. Mr. S said that he did like me but was intimidated by my family money. Which I think is a BS answer.

• July 2019 - Mr. S visited me

  • Despite what he said to my friend Mr. S still came to see me. Then again he already had his flight booked, so it's not like he could not come. The trip was fun but different. We were spending a lot of time alone this time. He stayed with me, and it was SO nice having a guy over. He cooked breakfast for me every morning AND cleaned up. He helped me decorate for my 4th of July party. We went out a few times and it was intense because he got rather drunk. We did get rather close one night but, he randomly got up and said good night and went to bed.

• August 2019 - Lost 70 lbs. thus far

  • This was a huge accomplishment for me. I went from 220lbs (size 20) down to 150lbs (size 8)

• August 2019 - started dating Mr. Y

• Year 2020 - Covid Pandemic began

• January 2020 - Lost another 10lbs.

• January 2020 - court case with old employer

• February 2020 - went on a cruise with Mr. Y, Mr. L and Ms. S

• March 2020 - went to Disney with Mr. Y and Mr. L

• March 2020 - USA shut down

• June 2020 - threw Mr. Y a surprise birthday party

  • I invited all of his friends to surprise him

• August 2020 - Mr. Y threw me a surprise birthday party

  • With the help of Ms. N and Ms. K he threw a party at his parents house. His parents very generously gave up the house for the party. Unfortunately Mr. Y had come to pick me up so he had to drop me back home, but at some point in the day he had lost track of how much he was drinking and got wasted. We were ready to leave when his parents got home and realized how wasted he was and stopped him from taking me home. There was a HUGE scene and he threw his mother, smashed his keys, and in the end his dad had to take me home. He came along but he was so angry the entire time. Then when he was helping me unload the car, he dropped EVERYTHING. He broke a magnum bottle of champagne one of my friends had bought me, smashed my cake, and we had to throw everything away. We didn't realize but his moms fancy cake knife was still in the box and he CHUCKED it in the dumpster. I was SO mad that night. I basically broke up with him. I told him that was UNACCEPTABLE.

  • We had a LONG talk. I should have called it quits at that point. It was totally unacceptable and it was at that point that he realized that he could act like a fool and I would just sit there and take it.

• Year 2021 - Covid Pandemic STILL ongoing

• June 2021 - Mr. Y and Ms. N's family comes into town

• July 2021 - Mr. Y's dad gets covid, and Mr. Y gets sick as well.

  • After finding out on a Sunday that his father has covid, Mr. Y proceeded to go with his mother (who tested negative on SUNDAY) on that WEDNESDAY all the way up to North Carolina for a convention. Mr. Y was still VERY sick.

  • Now I'm not 100% sure if Mr. Y's dad got a false positive, or if Mr. Y got a false negative, but all in all I did not agree with the way the family handled things. I voiced my concerns and even said I didn't know if I could continue to date someone who acted so carelessly with other peoples well being.

  • We eventually broke up. Mr. Y sent me a very harsh text message essentially saying we were done.

  • The following week was a friends birthday and I told him and his brother that if they went to the party I would be forced to tell the birthday girl about the status of their father, and I myself couldn't attend knowing what was going on and be around them.

• August 2021 - My birthday night ended up being one of the worst EVER. Yes, worse than the prior year.

  • Yes, when I say that it was WORSE than the previous year, it was 100% worse.

  • This year I had a lot of personal things going on that would overshadow my birthday. My sister was having major surgery two days before my birthday, my nephew was having surgery the day before my birthday and my two other sisters were not even in town. So I knew that my party would be my only day to celebrate... Or so I thought.

  • With Mr. Y and myself being in such a weird situation I had asked him if he was still coming. He kept saying he wasn't sure if he was going to make it but would let me know. Eventually he decided to come.

  • The day of the party we started acting like as if we were back together. We started making out, cuddling, etc. He kept taking care of me making sure I had a drink, took me on the jetski, etc. Then it came time to get dressed for dinner, and I snuck him into the back room to get frisky, but I guess I had drank too much and I guess I pressured him into telling me if we were back together, and he felt cornered and said that he didn't feel like we should get back together. That's what set it all off. I was crushed and started crying. The rest of the night was a mess! I was drunk and hurt so I was overly emotional and just cried for the rest of the night. At dinner. After dinner. ALL THE TIME. Mr. Y tried to talk to me at the restaurant, and I shut him down and said no, if he wanted to talk to me he had to come back to my place and talk there. So, a group of us came back to my place where then we talked and again I cried. We had fun, and I just ignored him to which he eventually left. I was so hurt that my friend Ms. N decided to stay the night with me so I wasn't alone. I was a MESS the next day. Slightly hung over, my heart hurt, and I felt like me and Mr. Y needed to speak. He and I spoke that day and told him to come over so we could talk in person.

  • He came over the next day and we spoke. He explained that EVERYONE told him that he should have lied to me that day for the sake of it being my BIRTHDAY. He said that he didn't want to lie to me, but now understood that he should have just for the sake of the fact that it was my birthday.

  • I think it was in that moment that I realized that he had no respect for me, and I lost a huge amount of respect for him. A part of me feels like that was the day I maybe even possibly fell out of love with him. I mean I love him, but i'm not IN love with him. Does that make sense?

  • Everyone says we are going to end up together but I don't think I can be with someone who has no respect for me. Which leads me to.... our Disney trip!

• September 23 - 27, 2021 - Disney

  • We (Mr. Y, his brother, my friend Ms. G and myself) went to Disney. Prior to leaving Mr. Y told me that he was going to invite one of his friends who lives up there to dinner, but I informed him that this friend and I had a weird past and to please not invite him or I would not be going to that dinner. You'd think my explicit request would be enough for him to understand - but I guess not. I say that because the Saturday night that we were there Mr. Y decided to ignore my request and invite his friend to dinner. I got very upset about it and Mr. Y said that he would un-invite him to dinner, but I told him that would be even MORE awkward, so to just leave it and keep it to that. Luckily he said that a friend had surprised him and come to spend the day with him so he couldn't make it to dinner. I thought that would be the end of it, but Mr. Y continued to text his friend (my ex), and invite him to dinner for Sunday instead. Again, I got upset, and by upset I mean I was FUMING! I made such a big stink about it and he just kept asking me "But why is it awkward". I told him that didn't matter, that my feelings alone should be enough for him to not invite the guy.

  • It was after that I slowly started realizing that he was inviting my ex / his friend to show off. He wanted to show my ex that he was able to "get me". That my ex should never have let me go.

• October 9, 2021 - Girls Night Out

  • Ms. N, Ms. K and I went to the mall to have a much needed Girls Night Out. I felt bad because Ms. N's nephew was supposed to hang out with Mr. Y and his brother but they claimed they just wanted to stay home and watch TV so Ms. N's nephew didn't want to do that and wanted to go out - so he joined Ms. N at the mall. I felt HORRIBLE that he was by himself and all he wanted to do was go out.

  • The night continued perfectly fine, until we all left and came home and saw Mr. S's instastory which showed that Mr. L went out to a club. That definitely pissed me off and made me wonder if Mr. Y had also joined. It was a perfectly innocent correlation. So I asked him. That for some reason set him off. All because I hung up the phone with Mr. Y to answer a call from Ms. N. He went OFF on me and said that he knew I was being told to ask that question and was ADAMANT that I was lying and that it was Ms. N talking through me.

  • This set me off and wondered why he thought so low of me, and why he would think I would let Ms. N treat me as her puppet. I am getting more and more sick of his bullshit.

  • I ended up not falling asleep until 5am. I was exhausted.

• October 10, 2021 - .... and that leads us to TODAY.