Here We Go Again...

Just when I think things are going better something happens to fuck it all up again.

Mr. Y and I were doing so well again after my birthday. But it was too good to be true. Or at least I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And It did - on Friday. I've told Mr. Y that when we are out in public, in the community I am going to act like we are just friends. I know that our parents know and I know that his parents know, and all of our friends know, but I don't need other people knowing my business until I have a ring on my finger with the intention to get married I will not parade around aimlessly like that. Other people may put their business out there like that, but that's just not me.

The other person I didn't want to know was this girl from our community that will spread that gossip around like crazy. She doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut. She's fake as FUCK and loves to start shit. She came up to me at the party on Friday and said she was dying to see me and Mr. Y together that night. I asked her what she was talking about and she was shocked that it was supposed to be on the D/L like that. She asked me something to the effect of "oh! What? I'm not even supposed to know?! It's that D/L?" I just kept asking her what she meant, so she dropped it. I was rather upset that the boys said something to her, but what is done is done. It's just yet another thing that Mr. Y doesn't respect me with. He claims (he asked her) that she said she figured it out back at Mr. D's wedding back in 2019. I definitely ignored him that night so i'm not sure how that's true but that's what he says she said.

The other thing is that since I have told him explicitly that we would act as just friends I did just that. I treated him no different than his brother, no different than Ms. N's nephew, nothing. It was hard since it has been so long that we haven't seen each other - and that we've been together for so long. We had just met at the end of 2019 so at the wedding we were just starting out so it was easier to treat him normal. This time I slipped a few times, I called him babe and whatever. He claims I ignored him all night. Yet, he was nowhere to be found all night. I wanted to dance and we could have danced together but he kept disappearing. When I eventually found him he was flirting with another girl. So his feeling that I was ignoring him he in turn went to go flirt with another girl. Now yes, that girl and he have been friends since childhood, but that doesn't mean that she isn't trying to flirt with him to get with him not knowing that he's with someone. I also understand that you can't want to act single and get upset when people flirt, but that's on him to not flirt knowing that he IS taken. I put more blame on him than her because he is the one in the know. I unfortunately have lost trust in him because he has lied before. Who's to say he also hasn't cheated? I don't think he knows how - but I didn't think he'd lie but he did.

The one thing that he said that I accepted fault for was not saying goodbye to his mother properly. She came over to the table to say good bye. She called out to Ms. N and said goodbye but then just gave a general wave and left so quickly. I barely even realized she had said good bye. I did apologize and said yes maybe I should have gotten up and ran after her to say a proper good bye, but my feet were killing me and I honestly didn't think it to be a big deal. He apparently did. My mistake. I'll own up to that. I will always own up to when I'm not right, but I also in the same token will not apologize for something that I didn't do wrong.

Friday night after the party he chose not to come over like he was supposed to. He claimed it was to "punish" me to which I told him was childish and was not the right move. When he gets like this he wants space, but when things like this happen I need to talk in person and discuss it. We are different in that way. Eventually he came over yesterday and we talked it out. I think we still both let things go, but I still very much have to think about what I want to do in general. With Mr. S coming I'm not sure what to do with everything going on. It makes me want to be with an ADULT more and more. Someone who has been in relationships, someone who knows what they want, someone who is on the same page as me, someone who is ready to get married and have kids....

I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens. In a month we will know what's happening.