Grab some popcorn, because this episode is a DOOZY

So, let's get right to it. There's no point in talking about anything else.

Mr. S came into town as expected. I was so excited! I was so looking forward to having my girls have my back to show him how much of a catch i am and in turn hopefully have him see me as a potential interest. Unfortunately, during Diwali the kids got me sick which got even worse during the weekend that I was away taking care of the kids. I only ended up having 3 days to get better, which of course was impossible and didn't happen. I did my best to just push through and continue because I didn't want my sickness to overshadow the weekend.

I was definitely more vocal about how I was feeling to Ms. S versus Ms. N because I definitely felt bad that I was even considering another guy when Mr. Y is Ms. N's cousin. I didn't want to be inconsiderate of her feelings, but I think that's maybe what contributed to the lack of communication which was a common trend throughout the weekend.

Let me preface this story with the fact that just a few days before the weekend, Mr. Y decided to tell me that his cousin was coming into town and that he and his family were going out on Saturday for dinner and then he would maybe pass by, and that his brother wasn't going to come. Not sure why they were being so weird but it pissed me off. I felt that as my boyfriend he would want to come and meet my friend, piss in a corner and mark his territory so to speak. But it looks like that wasn't the case, for the most part.

So Saturday was going as planned. I woke up early to make sure he and I spent the morning together. We then did a grocery run and made it home in time to let him watch the game. He offered to make an appetizer which I was super thrilled with because I felt like things were going well. Like he was taking an interest. Then while I cooked, my sister came over - the sister who he really likes, which is super awkward for me, but is something I can look past because I know she's not interested. They were talking, and all was good. I did my best to feel better, and be awake. The other thing that threw me off was somehow it seems like I had popped my arm out of its socket. Not sure how, but I did - so I was in a lot of pain as well. Could barely turn my head! So, things continued, he was drinking and rather tipsy. Again, all going to plan. I went to go get dressed slowly, but also quickly because I knew Ms. S would be on time, and was going to come and help me clear out my ears. I came out a few times to help Mr. S make his dish so he saw the progression of my hair, make up, getting dressed. He was a little scared I think when he saw me right after the shower, but then I think when he saw me again the next time and my hair and make up was done I actually saw him stare at me and I saw something in his eyes. I was getting so happy that he was seeing me for who I am, and not the box he's put me in. I think that was the last of the good things that happened that weekend. It was all downhill from there. Downhill, crashed, exploded into a million pieces, and then sizzled as the flames burned everything in its path. Nothing has been the same since and that was almost 3 weeks ago.

Let me continue...

Again Mr. S was super tipsy and having a good time. He and I were joking around having a good time. Then in walks Ms. N. It's like the world ended and Mr. S's world began with her. Time passed and we were all enjoying ourselves, and he then told me that he thought she was beautiful. Those words crushed me, but I knew that Ms. N was my friend and she would have my back and make sure to redirect his tunnel vision towards me. Or so I thought...

As the night went on we all got more and more drunk. Mr. S was flirting and flirting hard, and I could tell Ms. N was uncomfortable, and not liking it but she continued to have a good time. We were playing a game and it starting getting awkward a little, for me at least, because Mr. S actually started getting a bit rude towards me. I'm not sure if he was doing it on purpose or if he was trying to show off to Ms. N or if I was just taking things a bit personally. We the moved on to another game which moved us to the dining table.

As we were playing the game Mr. Y and Mr. L finished their dinner with their cousin and came over. Mr. Y came in like a bat out of hell! He made a bee line straight to me and sucked my face off. Definitely had the agenda to come in pee on me and mark his territory. It was very apparent. Things then took another weird turn. We were all playing the game and having fun and then we broke off into smaller groups and the boys went outside to hang out, while the girls stayed inside and we all were talking. It seems like thats when I guess Mr. S mentioned he was interested in Ms. N or the boys realized how hard he was flirting. When they came back in and we all hung out and started playing another game, I realized I could use Mr. Y to my advantage and make out with him and in a sense make Mr. S. jealous. It definitely got something going on in Mr. S head because for a good part of the night he was staring at me like as if he was confused and hurt. Again this makes me wonder if I had done what I had said that I should have put things on pause with Mr. Y to ensure I was single, or what? I guess now i'll never know.

Okay so continuing the story....

So the night continued and they were all ready to head out. I mentioned that we were going to do brunch the next day because Mr. S wanted a boozy brunch plus Mr. G couldn't join us that night but was free the next day. Same with Ms. K She was only available the next day. Everyone said they would join, except for Ms. S, she had prior plans, and Ms. P she was busy too. Ms. N did pull me aside at one point and say that she was uncomfortable coming the next day with Mr. S. continuing to flirt with her knowing how I felt. I told her I wanted her to come for ME, because she was MY FRIEND. I didn't realize that there were mixed messages being sent here. I know that now.

So Mr. Y did end up spending the night which was definitely nice and it made me feel horrible that I had / have feelings for Mr. S, but it also made me wonder if that again would make Mr. S see me as a potential interest and not just a friend. The next morning we all woke up and got ready to go. Plans ended up changing and we all ended up going to a different restaurant than I had planned, but it was fine by me as it was in an area that I figured we could walk around, bar hop, etc. Again, I guess I was very naïve and innocent during this whole process.

Again, things all started off well. We went to lunch where Ms. N and Mr. G joined us. We were waiting for Ms. K to join us. So we figured we would hop around and drink as we went. We continued along and Mr. G convinced us to go to a certain place that had a speakeasy, but when we got there it was not open but we decided to stay anyways. We continued to drink and snack. That's when things started to self implode. Nisha took me to the bathroom and said she felt award because she likes him back and wanted to know what I was thinking. Its like in that moment i felt like i had been punched in the stomach. Now it was embarrassing, that my friend who knew that I was interested in Mr. S was standing there in front of me asking me basically if I was okay if SHE took her chances with him. I was confused and shocked and scared and felt alone and like an utter failure. To avoid looking like a loser, I told her it was fine. I could have sworn I mentioned I needed time but maybe I wasn't clear. It was also my fault that we went back to the table and I stupidly texted him saying that she liked him back. I should have said that she wasn't interested or that she didn't want to pursue it because she had her own drama going on (Mr. G - who was sitting right across the table from them watching the shit show that I was also watching by the way). It was after that that things just kept getting worse and worse for me. I had to act like I was okay and that everything was fine but I was crying and dying inside. I just kept drinking trying to numb my feelings. Worst idea because I got a little drunk. Don't remember leaving that restaurant and walking back to the car. Mr. Y clearly could tell that I was drunk and insisted on driving which was a good idea, because I was not there. We ended up getting back to Ms. N's house - which was the worst idea ever. That's when the fire hit the gunpowder and everything exploded - again, for me at least.

We played more games and continued drinking. Mr. G and Ms. K had to go because they had work the next day and because Ms. K had her car at Mr. L's house they all left, including Mr. Y. I went out to say goodbye and when I walked back into the house Mr. S and Ms. N were in the corner, and Mr. S. went in for a kiss. Ms. N not only didn't stop him she kissed him back. I think i stood there in shock and awe and honestly felt like throwing up. It was at that exact moment that I felt like I had just been stabbed in the heart AND the back all at the same time.

I turned to sit at the table with my back turned when they stopped and went to go sit on the couch. I think he wanted to continue making out with her so they went outside for some more privacy - so they left. I honestly wanted to leave but unfortunately I was stuck because Mr. S didn't know that I like him, but would have questioned why I was reacting that way and wouldn't have wanted to leave. Soon after they came back we decided we should leave too and in the process of getting ready to leave, we were in the kitchen and yet again I think they thought I had my back to them and they gave each other a peck on the lips as a good bye which I saw in the reflection of the microwave. They then mentioned that they would talk and be in touch about the DATE they had planned for Tuesday. It was like a final stab in the heart on the way out. Mr. S and I got home and we had a nightcap on the balcony. He asked me a million times if i was okay but again, now I was the loser, embarrassed and confused and humiliated that I couldn't tell him how I felt in that moment. I just couldn't. He went to bed and I cried for about an hour alone outside, and in bed.

Monday was uncomfortable, especially because during lunch Mr. S spent majority of the time asking me what he should do with Ms. N on the date. Where to go - where to make reservations - etc. I texted Ms. S saying that if this date were to happen I'd need her to come over and sit with me while I cry so I wouldn't be alone. Ms. S got upset and said this date should not be happening, but what was I supposed to do.

The following morning I woke up to Ms. N blowing up my phone. She kept calling me and then was texting me saying to wake up and call her back immediately. I didn't feel like talking to her but she kept saying it was important. So even though I didn't want to call her I still called in the event there really was an emergency. She immediately answered the phone and went straight in to the point and asked me what she should do about the date that night. That question alone made me realize she was not asking me if I was okay with it, what she was truly asking me was for permission, for my blessing to go out on the date. When I told her that I truly didn't want them to go out on the date. I was very hurt and unhappy and didn't want to go into it further but things were NOT okay. She informed me that I absolutely needed to talk to Mr. S and explain my feelings for him so that things were all out in the open. I explained that I was still putting my feelings to words and would do that later that day but I needed a little more time. She said that she understood and said that she wouldn't message him or anything until she heard from me that we spoke. We hung up and I went for a shower, got ready (as we had planned on going to lunch in South Beach), and came out of my room when he awkwardly came up to me and said we had to talk and address the elephant in the room because Ms. N had just messaged him saying that the two of us needed to talk. WHAT?!?!?! Ms. N had done exactly what she said what she wasn't going to do and messaged Mr. S saying that he and I needed to talk?! So at this point this person I call a friend has betrayed my trust, broke my heart, backstabbed me, and now LIED! So, now I was pushed to talk and speak my mind before I was truly ready.

We walked to the balcony and sat to talk. He went first and wanted to find out why I was still confused on where he stood with me and how he thought he had made it clear back in January when I had eluded to me liking him. I told him that yes, he had said, but this was going to be my one last try at hopefully getting him to seeing me in a different light, and that I had had a dinner with Ms. N and Ms. S to discuss my feelings and how to proceed and to ask them to have my back and talk me up to Mr. S, show him how much of a catch I am. That's what I think shocked Mr. S a little. He didn't realize that after everything that had gone down this weekend Ms. N was aware of how I felt and had agreed to be there for me, but instead did the total opposite. He did inform me in that same moment that he felt like he had to be selfish and go after what he wanted because life had recently taught him that everyone at the end of the day is out for themselves and he needed to learn to be more like that. Yes, he understood that this whole situation was super sticky now and he was not sure how things were going to be moving forward but he was hoping things could be fixed with me and Ms. N. I hoped so too in that moment. I hoped in that moment also that my two friends would put things on hold so that I could figure out my feelings and give me some time to process everything so that I could get over my feelings for Mr. S and in turn learn to be happy for my two friends who have found happiness in each other. I was hurt - not a bitch. who am I to stop two people from being together.

Little did I know that that was not how it was going to be....